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’ ‘I’d say so,’ Stacey smiled. Barbara smiled, too. Julie fell in with all my plans, seemingly as happy to be with me as I was with her. We made love – it was more than sex – every time. Friday night she invited me over for dinner. I never did get to eat. It was heavenly. I was falling for her, hard. On the weekend we took the girls out, to the park again on Saturday, and to the beach on Sunday. Julie was a terrific mother-figure. She kept a hawk’s eye on the girls at the beach. She made sure they were covered in sunblock. She made sure I was covered in sunblock. I just about ripped my swimsuit. It wasn’t right that only she was caring, so I made sure she was covered in sunblock. ‘This isn’t a nude beach, Rob,’ she told me. ‘I don’t need sunblock there.’ ‘You never know if you’re going to rip your suit on something.’ ‘Like the something that wants to rip your suit?’ ‘Yeah, I’d be careful if I was you.’ I sat back to watch her as she and the girls built a sandcastle a little ways back. She sends out fingers of desire, need, thought- tries to project them into her past, pull out something stable. The images seep through her fingers like fine sand peppered with doubt. Irving, Johnothan, Kenneth, Lyle… She has a deep envy of the living. She is tired of her half-existence. She is tired of being sad, tired of not even minding that someone her age should grieve. And in the thin bony box of her head she understands, and accepts, the fact that her immense unhappiness is doomed to irrelevance anyway. Why worry? Why yearn toward a dream that is doomed to be unfulfilled? Because it would ease my regret. The woman can’t even express her inner turmoil to others, apart from holding onto a loud, scratchy moan. She does this, on occasion, to no effect. She feels a part of her wanting to go back to the things she used to like- the feel of a new toothbrush against her gums, for instance. Such a little thing that the nurses here overlook so often. She would like to polish a jar of.
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